Raining, cats and dogs

Following our aquatic success on Saturday we planned to go to Ocean World Manly on Monday – an appropriate pursuit for a Bank Holiday, and a great way to further enhance our fishy knowledge. BUT the weather remained true for such red letter days– it poured. Deffo not a good day to take a ferry over to Manly. Saturday’s washing is still hanging, sopping outside. No point bringing it in now, I reckon. Do it good to get some natural outdoor space. Might give it a more acceptable odour too. I sigh, ahh, if only we were loaded, some nanny/cook/peasant would be doing this stuff so I could concentrate on other more important matters like where do I buy a kayak. Shame we’re not minted.

Re-grouping the troops around breakfast, I announce it to them, considering how they might feel about being let down. All due to the weather really, but from their perspective, it’s all daddy’s fault no doubt. I decide to broadcast the news in as gentle a manner as possible.

“We’re not going to Ocean World Manly today, kids.”

Expectant, shiny faces crash to upturned mouths, exposing half chewed weetabix and low fat milk, accompanied by wailing and general gnashing of teeth.

“Aww….but why?”

“It’s too wet.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Yes, it is.”

“It was too wet for your football but you still went.”

I look at William, almost admiringly. This is indeed a very good point. Maybe he was listening at Law School, after all.

But not good enough.

“Yes but it wasn’t that wet, was it? In fact it was practically dry. After all, the ref allowed the game to go ahead.”

“So?”

“So it’s a lot wetter today. So we’re not going.”

“Awww.”

“We’ll go another time”, soothes Katy. “Doesn’t matter. It is very wet outside. Daddy is right.”

Feeling a tad guilty, I decide we should hit the cinema instead.  A 3D film is on about cats and dogs…hmm be good for them to learn something about domestic pets, I muse. Miaow-miaows might benefit from some direction in life.

“Can we take Charlie?”

“No, don’t be silly, he’s a cat! Can’t take cats to the cinema.”

“But it’s about cats. He’d like it.”

“Yesh. Charlie likesh catsh.”

“No. No way is the cat coming. Beside, cats don’t like popcorn.”

“Yes. Daddy is right. Charlie would be scared of the dogs.” Good job Katy is around.

“Will there be dogsh in the shinema?”

I give up.

So, off we go. It feels slightly strange drinking gallons of coke and tubs of popcorn at 10:30am but we soon all get into it and feel ill in no time at all. The 3D specs are a great hit and add a certain air of intelligence to the troops, ahem.

 

The film is a cracker, all sorts of clever cats and dogs that can do amazing things like drive cars, answer the phone and shoot each other. One of them could even parachute itself onto a skyscraper. My mind wanders to miaow-miaows, that blooming useless beast. If it got it’s act together it could do some of this stuff. I imagine a super debonair miaow-miaows dressed up as James Bond or Pussy Galore, zooming about in a convertible, raking in the dosh for the family.

That’s it! I decide, Miaow –miaows is going to be a Hollywood actor! We’re going to be rich!!!!

Pets who actually do something for a living

Returning home at break-neck speed, we get ready for action...

“Right, miaow-miaows,” Miaow-miaows does Turramurra”, act 1, scene 1!”

“Miaow.” says, miaow-miaows. He doesn’t move a whisker.

“I repeat- act one, scene one, miaow-miaows, take 75. Go!!”

“Miaow.” Still no action.

“I don’t think miaow-miaows understands, daddy.”

“Yes he does, Katy. He’s just being awkward. All actors are like that. Massive egos. All he has to do is jump off the sofa, run into the garden, set fire to the bins, put on some shades and drive off in mummy’s car.

Let’s try again.”

“Go miaows-miaows!”

Nothing happens.

“I don’t think he likes it, daddy.”

“He does. He loves it. All the attention. Give him some more tuna in brine to entice him.”

“But he’s had four tins already.”

“Hmm. More drink.”

“He doesn't like Pimms and Lemonade.”

“Miaows-miaows pay attention! Do something! or you’re out! One last chance!”

Katy pleads with the beast, “just do what the nice daddy, I mean director, says. You’re such a clever pussy and you look lovely with your hair permed and mummys lipstick. Yes you do.”

“Take 76. Go!!!!”

Nothing!

“Right, miaow-miaows you’ve had 77 warnings. You’ve done absolutely nothing. You’re fired!!!!”

Knew we should have got a dog.

Miaow-miaows trying to strike a pose during “Miaow-miaows and the mystery of the missing sandwich”

Over a silent lunch, with spaghetti made from Dora’s sauce from yesterdays life-saving lasagne, Katy pipes up, “never mind, daddy. Miaow-miaows isn’t a very good actor." It’s not your fault.”

“Humph.”

“He’sh rubbish” says Tom.

“Yep, you’re rubbish, miaow-miaows” agrees William. “ We should’ve got a dog, shouldn’t we dad?”
“Humph.”

The kids go out to play whilst I ponder life and the meaning of outdoor washing lines.
It’s not too long before I hear screams.

“Minesh fashter than yoursh!”

“No it’s not. Mine is the fastest. And, I’ve got more than you.”

“Guys just be quiet. Mine are so cute.”

There, before me on the garden path, are the the three kids, utterly engrossed by an army of snails. And I mean an army. There’s hundreds of them. Slimier than the Italians during World War II, they are retreating, running away. But hold on, there’s more to it than that. There are snails smiling, snails doing strange looking droppings, snails slobbering over leaves, snails staring in awe at Katy, snails fearing for their shells, snails about to be devoured by a four year old, snails about to do their first sky dive from 10m. Hmmm. Gifted snails.

Maybe, Australia does have talent after all!

That’s it!!!!! I’ve got it! A film about snails! That’s original . No-one’s done that before… snails. If they can do one about ants, they can deffo do snails! These guys are pumped and better still, you can eat them. That opens the Frenchy market. Could do with a trip to a farmhouse in Normandy.

Hold on kids, I’ll get the video…you round them up…we’re going to be rich!!!! Nanny here we come!!!!